Learning and Unlearning Things
Back again with some random train of thoughts, year-end edition.
On bad days vs good days
I have been doing this type of writing for my birthday every year since 2016 — at least, I try — but last year it flopped because I was in a bad place, sort of. My mental capacity was simply not enough for me to be able to sit, think, reflect, and write. Didn’t have enough will to go to school, almost—had major burnout towards the end of the year and fell into breakdowns almost every couple of days. It was ugly. But I made it through, otherwise I wouldn’t be where I am now. I think it’s because deep down, I have always had this firmly-held mindset in which I believe that nothing is ever permanent. So even if, say, I’m in a bad place right now, I know that it simply cannot stay that way forever. It may last for a while, sure, but it will pass. It has to.
While I think this mindset is rather common to have regarding someone’s bad days, I have been trying to apply it for my good days as well. The bad days won’t last, and so do the good days. Some might think that’s rather bleak, but it actually helps me to stay grounded while also lets me live this life a little bit more freely, if that makes sense.
Having experienced at least some form of ups and downs in life strengthens my belief of this whole thing, because I have seen for myself that, indeed, everything goes. It also helps me avoid being too caught up in a state of wallowing self-pity, or, on the other side of the spectrum, euphoric joy.
However, it’s also important to note that this does not mean I have turned into a robot with zero concept of feelings. Feelings are inevitable, unfortunately, but rather than being overwhelmed by them like I used to, I now believe that I can nurse my feelings with a little bit more logic and realism, and in doing so, avoid outbursts of unnecessary —or potentially harmful—feelings-based decisions.
On dealing with opposing views and/or values
In terms of having opinions, I would say that I’m quite opinionated, at least on the topics I’d put enough care to read about. But the thing is, I used to concern myself a lot (probably too much) about what other people think—of myself, and of my opinions. Getting validations elated me while being challenged cringed me to the point I became hesitant to share my thoughts, especially online, and especially about difficult topics. The scarcity of my Medium posts are the very proof of it. But when I did share, I could become quite defensive to those who disagreed or even decided to question my opinions.
To this day, I’m still not sure what changed. Maybe it’s the constant “war” of opinions and ideas I see online (especially on twitter these days), where several of the most airtight arguments I’ve seen could still be debated — and solidly, too—whether with other sets of equally airtight arguments or just plain petty-but-hits-the-spot comments. Although a lot of the time it’s just a series of pure dumbassery (which can either be frustrating or amusing, depending on which side are you on), some online arguments are actually quite enlightening.
Or maybe it’s me watching the things I personally agreed to got a lot of heat for being factually incorrect, or tone-deaf, or insensitive, which led me to question my long-standing opinions as well, and drove me slowly (sometimes bitterly) into a realization that I was probably dead wrong about a lot of things.
As time goes by I began to accept that opinions are just opinions (even with data and citations) and people are allowed to disagree with me, and hold different values from me, and—this is one of those hard-to-swallow pills for me—most of the time it’s nothing personal. Maybe I wasn’t intending to but I was basically putting myself in the center of everything, when it’s supposed to be the opposite. People’s lives are already hard on their own and no one has enough time on their hands to worry about me and the things that I do. These days, when confronted with people whose values clash against mine, I could unclench more easily while still upstanding opinions of my own. It’s tricky, though, because oftentimes I feel like I need to let people know what my two cents are but I’m also afraid that I might appear “triggered” or “intense” and people would just be put off. But I guess that means I just have to be better at choosing which things I should be verbally expressive upon.
But the striking difference on how I think now is that I used to have polar opinions on things, a lot of blacks-and-whites, but nowadays I become more and more middle-grounded towards…everything, really. I still can’t decide whether this is a good or a bad thing, though. Maybe it’s neither? Maybe it depends.
Sometimes I wonder, do all people go through this? Were certain people just born to be naturally good at being open towards new and different ideas? Or is this simply a natural progression of adulting? I think the latter is more likely, though I don’t know for sure.
Last one.
With everything that’s been going on in the world, is it selfish of me to say that it’s been a pretty good year? For me, at least.
I don’t know. Maybe. Sometimes I feel like I am a bit detached from what’s happening outside; the political turmoil, the climate crisis, the bleak (if any) future of the world. I wanted to say it’s because I’m not directly and immediately impacted by any of it, but I’m getting increasingly worried it’s actually because I’m intentionally feigning ignorance.
But I do feel this has been a pretty good year for me — graduated as a doctor, had time to figure out an outline of “what’s next”, and is currently on an adventure in Sumba. I guess I can (I have to, for my conscience) re-attach myself to the world in the way we’re both facing a lot of uncertainty right now. We are at a crossroad. Different ones, but a crossroad nonetheless; the world with the impeachment and humanitarian issues and rising activists disrupting authorities all over the world and whatnot; me with my…trivial problems, it seems now, compared to the state the world is in. But whichever paths we’re going to take, next year’s going to be a “make it or break it” situation for us.
Pour le meilleur ou le pire.
